In Retrospect: Love Mirandized

Where were you when it all started:
Your thumbs through my belt loops.
Were you standing right behind me?
Were you in love,
Or more astute?
I saw you in the mirror
With my name carved on 
Your chest,
But was your mind in the gutter?
Did you caress my body
In your head?

Were your intentions muddied?
They looked torn and bent with
Promises that were ill thought
Out and hurried. 
Your love was only lent.
Was it started by half past two - 
And over by quarter to three?
And now that it is done - 
All that you
And all that me
Are Eden's gates still burning?
Or have you jumped a 
Newsstand or two?
Did you light that 
Patchwork bone
On the embers of 
All that bloodied
Expectation: 
The knowledge that
I thought good of you?

Did you ever intend
To use that phone call
Home?
Or were you conceited
As you secreted
The knowledge of a 
Wife and kid or two?
When you drove off 
And left me in Washington
Did you mean not
To return?
Did you really think
You could keep on 
Hurting me
And that I would
Never 
Learn?


Did you overdose on
The medicine?
Did you run a clean
Machine?
Did you disinfect
With ethanol to
Make your insides gleam?
Did you filter out 
The sediment or 
Did you burn
With cotton
Fever?
Did you ever learn
How to play the game
Or did you need me 
For that one too, 
You utterly dependent
Old Geezer?

There was never 
Any going back
As soon as we laid 
Eyes on each other.
I thought I wanted
Redemption
But looked for it
In all the wrong places.
You thought you
Wanted my attention
And considered
Taking it
At your discretion
To be my duty
And my pleasure.

I thought you were
Selling sanctuary
But you only dealt
Illusion and Loss.
You thought I
Would give you
Everything
No matter what the cost.
You considered me to 
Owe
Because you rescued me.
I thought perhaps that
One day 
Your toe
Might find it
Out of the dirt
And step back 
Over the line
And you would be
To be a decent
Man to me. 

Pretending to be
The good guy
The moral
And the caring
Pretending you
Loved the children
While inside
You were swearing.
Taking all my treasure
And turning it into 
Bile
And all that 
Blacktop
Each mile
After mile
After mile
With your
Choices on the stereo
Your hand upon the wheel
You said you gave me
Freedom,
But each and every time
We crossed the
Border you would
Squeal
Like a pig
Sulk like a hen
That has been shut
Inside the bird house
To keep her safe within.
You said you hated
California -
My safety was
Never your concern
You wanted me to 
Talk to your daughter
But when she cursed me
You never got stern. 

To be honest in those
Final days
When you were drunk 
And liked to play
Listen to me
Talk to me
Baby me
And then
Haunt me
Scare me
Then threaten
Soothe me
Then lessen me,
Coked up
Cracked out
Methed up
Passed out
Smoke em 
If you got em
And pull that
Wire tight
Burn it at
Both ends
And make a 
Mockery
out of 
The night
I swear
I might
Have stopped
Listening
Stopped listening 
At all.
Hearing you
Dying
On the phone line
Haunts me
Still. 
The last thing
I said was not very friendly
Could not be considered
Nice.
And now I have to 
Live 
With the sharp side
Of your knife. 

In the end 
All you left me
Was sadness
And disappointment,
And the memories
Now sullied
Of that 
Road Trip
Which is no salve
Nor ointment
For my tears - 
Not worth any
Of those fears...
No balm for
The wasted time or
For the children
That you denied me
And the time that
You took from me
And the years
That you lied to me
And the fact
You never cried for me
Like I cried for you. 

Bo fucking hoo.

I am even defeated
By your death
There is no way
Around this
And now that I am
Quite alone
And getting older
By the day
Waiting for my remaining
Child to say
That he has to go
Away,
And for that
I will never forgive you.
For that
If I ever see you
In some afterlife
Some other worldly
Paradise
You had better start running
Because I will
Tear your throat out
And make you 
Sing for my mercy
You nasty
Dirty
Little 
Man
Before I bury you
In the Potter's loam.

You gave my life back
To me,
Once you had taken 
Everything you wanted 
From me,
And never even thanked
Me for the loan.