I love the quiet early hours of the morning. I get up, put the kettle on, make tea, open the curtains and slide back under the covers to keep warm. It has been a cold winter so far. This morning I turned the Christmas tree lights on early. The room looks warm and inviting and safe. Domestic bliss. A few years back it was not like this. I was sitting in a campground and opening cans of whatever was left in the cupboard to make food for the children, my friend and myself. A camp ranger came to the door. That was never a good sign, we had paid, and I was sure we had a few more days before we had to move on as per campground rules, but my heart sank. The ranger had an envelope in her hand: it was the money I had slid into the iron ranger to pay for the day. “I can’t accept this, it’s Christmas. Have a free day today and tomorrow.” She then went back to her truck and pulled a christmas tree off the back of it, and a box of lights and decorations. The kids stood there grinning as she put the cut off stump of the tree into a holder and passed them the decorations. She then handed me a big bag of groceries, and a couple of gift wrapped presents for the children. I stood in the middle of the forest and cried.
Today I have a shower in my apartment and a toilet. I don’t have to be grateful for the ability to walk down a trail to a communal camp shower or sit with dirty hair and stinking because there is nowhere to get clean. Today there is food in the fridge, and a few gifts for the kid. Today I have a little window garden and a view of the City. I have the Boy and I have Ruthie and I have my self respect. I even have a little box of THC gummies and a small lump of hash. I don’t have two of my family members. As comfortable and grateful as I am, today is hard for me.
I woke up and said happy christmas to someone who is not here any more. I said it to the wind and hoped it carried somewhere meaningful. I didn’t let myself look at photos or read old Christmas cards. Today I cannot cry. Today I have to be fun and sweet and kind and happy. Today I have to cope. Once the new year is out the way I can start to feel better again, I hope, or at least feel able to cope with it all once again.
I don’t believe in Jesus. I don’t celebrate Christmas, but it is my holiday too, in a secular way. I believe in the power of memories and the way that love never dies. I believe in creating memories for those we leave behind to sustain them after we have gone. That is what I am going to try and do today: make some memories with the Boy to sustain him once I have gone. All I want from life, let alone Christmas, is to somehow, miraculously, be able to stay close to him. It is all I have left.
Happy holidays, merry xmas….and hold on in there…
Detroit
Wishing you a new year full of the wonders of life.
Happy holidays and a wonderful new year to you too, my friend! Hoping for good things for you and yours too.
All the best for the Holidays and the year to come!
Happy Holidays and a wonderful, successful new year to you too! Thank you for wishing me happy holidays, it is always nice to hear from my readers!