I am not well. Got turned away from free clinics and the ER. I am sitting here balanced between not wanting to worry people and being more than a little concerned that the chest pain and nausea and extreme tiredness is really not a good sign. I know how it feels, to be utterly helpless to assist someone that needs care, and it is a horrible feeling. I don’t want to do that to anyone else. I simply do not know what to do apart from sit very quietly and drink glasses of water. I can’t stomach food, I feel so nauseous it is just not possible. I am covered in a thin sheen of sweat and staring down the barrel of my mortality, wondering if I have some kind of rib inflammation, or if pushing myself physically and emotionally beyond any kind of human tolerance to pain and suffering has caught up with me and I am actually in trouble.
So. There you have it. I am a horrible person and instead of not saying anything I would rather tell people I am not well and was refused care, rather than something potentially happen to me and be blamed for not getting care. I tried to get care at two locations in this supposedly blue liberal caring oasis, and was turned away. It took everything I had to get up and dressed and out the door. It took more than that. It took more than I had any energy and ability to withstand. I am strange that way. I am one of these strange people capable of pushing myself beyond time and time again. I eat pain for breakfast and when more gets piled on I eat that up too; but I admit it, this is all I have the energy for today. I can barely walk to the bathroom, walking down the street, clutching my chest was already too much.
I cannot take risks. My status and my need to hide from my husband means that certain options are not available to me. I can’t pay. I am not eligible for insurance. There was a huge gap between what I was capable of and what I can offer and what is possible. In short, being turned away from the two most likely options has left me feeling like no one cares if I live or die, and if that sounds churlish, then I am very sorry, but I don’t have the energy to be reasonable right now. I am in too much pain and I am too tired.
This is the reality of life for me and others like me who are undocumented and struggling. I present with chest pain and nausea and get turned away…
(Six Hours Later….)
I am back from a hospital which saw me. The third place I went to actually took pity on me. Thank goodness. I had symptoms of a condition which mimics the symptoms of a heart attack, but it was not my heart or lungs. Hurrah. I have to really rest. I will be back of course, as soon as possible, but I am going to be back as soon as I feel better.