I am feeling like an elastic band stretched between two moving points and slowly taken beyond snapping point. Of course my idea of snapping is relatively peaceful and at worst would involve a bottle of rum (they have stopped making 151, the monsters) and feeling sorry for myself. Apparently over the last year and a half, I have written almost a million words. If you add in the doomed novel…it is a million plus.
To this end I went out today and just walked. Hung out with the Boy in Japantown, walked home past the grocery store, just did normal things. I don’t quite feel better, but feel a little less terrible. I am going to need a bit more time.
Neil Young once sang that it is ‘better to burn out than to fade away’, and Kurt Cobain quoted him in his suicide note. They were both wrong. The trick is to burn and keep on burning, like those pretty lanterns that get floated across the rivers in Tokyo in those midsummer festivals. Some of them turn over before they have even gone a few inches, their light extinguished. Others bob along and get lost, drifting a while before getting hit by a wave and guttering out, blink, blink, blink….A few almost make it to the other bank, but seem to throw themselves upon disaster like ronin on a doomed mission. Heroic. Brave. Dead. Dumb. A few take it easy and make it to the other bank, still burning steadily. I intend to be one of those silently burning survivors. This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine…but not too much. Burn out is not something I need to do right now.
I need to conserve some energy, some strength so I can keep going. I keep on believing that things are going to be ok, and I can stay in my apartment after August. I keep on trusting that things are not headed for disaster. I cannot, simply cannot, head back into a shelter now, let alone worse, than that, and end up homeless. Can’t do it. So it just can’t happen. The pressure on me is immense.
But, here I am, taking this little tiny break, and hopefully coming back with some of the tension taken out of the situation, a little leeway going into the stretch.