I suppose as all writers do when a publisher wants to get involved and offers the world we want to believe them. I certainly did. The fact is don’t do what I did and ignore concerns, like no time being put into discussing your work, no effort put into bouncing ideas off, putting together the manuscript into a cohesive whole. Don’t allow yourselves to be used for no material benefit. Don’t allow yourself to be sweet talked by ego massaging flattery.
I have decided to go it alone, after being let down once too often, and put off one too many times. So, what now for the blog?
I will be putting together a paper ‘zine which will be available for purchase through my blog. It will only be a short run, numbered 1 to 99, but will be full of material, links to multimedia additions. I have even been looking into things like NFTs. I will be running a geocache treasure hunt, the clues to which will only be in the paper magazine. If it is popular I will challenge my readers to place objects in their hometowns, and get involved writing clues to be found. There will be the best of The Paltry Sum blog in there, plus some guest writers, poets and artists, and a monthly guest political writer. HAYMAKER is going to be an interesting project for me.
I am also on the look out for a new publisher. I will find something. I count myself lucky to find out now rather than when I am relying on something and time has run out.
Obviously this new turn of events has been very upsetting for me, coming as it has on the tail of Billy’s death. I suppose when death and transformation come around, it leaves nothing left. The goddess Kali is known to raze to the ground everything that would not grow into something good. This is a good thing for me. I was heading in the wrong direction and now can head the other way. There will always be injustice, cruelty, false hope, and a distinct lack of comfort in my life, but you know what, that is ok. Absolutely ok. Because things are the way they are. I would not be who I am if my life had been easy.
I would rather be me than a placid quiet or otherwise weak creature. It would not suit me at all. Apart from that, I have realized there are a few things which are non negotiable with me. Do not EVER suggest I am not a good mother, or my child is suffering. Ever. My child is an amazing kid who is doing really well and at least not some spoilt neurotic, or some dull potato head who cannot cope with a life in which they are not the center of the universe. He is going to do very well in life and is blissfully happy in this apartment. We are fine. I am very proud of him. Do not ever suggest I am crazy. Yes of course life has been bad, yes of course I am affected by the violence perpetrated upon me. Sneering at me that I am ‘crazy’, suggesting I am somehow impaired is not going to float. Say that shit and be gone from my life.
So, all change. It is going to be good. Or not. Whichever way it works out, I have done my fucking best. I can write. I write well. I am not powerful enough to defend myself, and I do not have that luxury. In the end I think talent will win through. There are enough boring ass psuedo intellectual shitheads out there putting out the same old tired material, reassuring each other they are speechul and grrrrreat and just so much more ‘extra’ than the rest of us. Let them be bored to tears with their literary masturbation. In the end all I have is my integrity and my words. I suppose it will have to be enough.