I can't help it sometimes, I get lost, In some Oregon rainforest gloom. Some lost December south coastal rain. Sliding and slipping down a golden sand dune, Slipping and sliding on downhill forest trails holding onto A tree wreathed in moss that hangs down Calling out Hey Bear! When the only danger Was the blood that flowed in you, Dipping into the mud I walked thinking of you, I walked thinking it through And still it came up adding the same, However I divided it, Whereever we roamed There was no other solution To the problem Of your blood and you. And, yes, it might be a crime To want to head back together to 2009 - To head back to Tokyo, Or to 2017 Cass Lake Minnesota - To the cows and the campfires To the crows and the turning wheels mired In those trails that hands make In the brightness of an electric mind. I should have been a barren field Sowed with salt. I should have been cast to the sea: I cannot survive it Or me. And your footsteps still go blue In my mind, back on that beach. And the sea still glitters too, And your soft brown eyes that Accused me of trying Too hard To survive You. So I wrote you a letter, I told you how to make it better. I told you how to make it go easier, To make it go kinder, But you took my concern and warnings as instructions, My protection as an unwanted construction - And did everything on that list That I warned you not to: I am no traitor to you I tried to give you my world. I can't help you But I tried Not to leave you behind. Instead you left me. Heartbroken. And I swore by that whirlpool I found on the day you departed, While I stood there in a daze Wondering if the best thing I could do would be to jump in And free the world of me, Since I had failed you Failed Entirely to survive it or you, I swore that That I would not abide In this circus of your making. No I would not abide But instead take my chances With that sweet future denied - Take my chances with What was left of you In me and me in you. I threw myself on your mercy Which you denied. I threw myself on the high tide While you cried Down a telephone line Leaving me hanging As you screamed. I dashed my head on the stone You gone gone gone I drank the bottles dry alone. I bled for you I ran red for you I fled for you I played dead for you, And you? You ruined my nails Leaping off the Devil's Punchbowl While I grabbed you, Held you to safety as you bit and kicked Lashed out and spitting Tore me apart as I Tried to stop you falling Onto the rocks below. Sacrificing me For you. I'm sorry. It isn't in my make-up to let myself go, Even if I had to let Go of you. Im sorry: I don't think I can survive It Or me. Or you.