Sometimes I can’t go on. I keep saying it. I sit there in my passenger’s seat and dig my heels in. “I can’t go on” I declare. Nothing to be done about it. Some days are just not good days. Sometimes people decide to fall apart around me, break down, get drunk, get mean, get lost, run away: want drama I cannot cope with. Sometimes people around them do terrible things. Sometimes Billy’s ex wife would do terrible things that put me in danger. He would defend her saying she was just ‘dumb’ and not ‘malicious’; and so he would forgive her for putting me and my babies in danger, and I was meant to accept it like a fool. He married this religious chick in the strangest paring in history, almost an arranged marriage. She was never drunk, had never got high, and was lumbered with Billy in all his gory glory.They produced three mean potato children, about the same age as me. Adult dumplings who saw no harm in putting me and two in danger while proclaiming hallelujah. My entire relationship hung in the balance over one word: malicious. I am shaking with anger even thinking about it. He dug his heels in, and I left. I went. I took my Boy and headed for the coast of California and this is where I feel able to function. I am scared of being thrown out to a part of the world I’ll never function in.
Here is the thing, her actions could only be malicious. They were so dangerous, opened up huge threats to my continued living and staying with my child. It caused my child to be put in danger, and there is not a human being alive that could possibly mean well. Whatever. Fuck it. He and she and all of it can go to hell. There is a special warm place for people who put children in danger while putting on the trappings of religion. Im out. No more excuses for people who hurt me. No more excuses for people who put me in danger. It is do or die. It is fight for my life. It is fight for my child’s life and future, or lose him. Let him down. I won’t do it. I am in a rage. A fury. I am sick of being bullied because people know I am nice and polite and will take anything thrown my way from anybody. I am secure in my designation as trash, as junk, as detritus of a society that I tried to fit into but failed to throw me out the gabba gabba hey. I am never accepted, never wanted, never even allowed to exist.
“I really liked this guy to start with, Detroit, he was the opposite of a snob.” Just because someone is mannerless and dirty diesn’t mean they are somehow holy. Sometimes degenerate is what it seems to be. Not every hobo is Bob Dylan, let’s face it, he was only ever a fake Carnie, he ain’t never hopped no train. I’ll give people their chance to show me who they are. I won’t dismiss someone for being dirty or high or drunk or lost. I won’t give them extra points for it either.
I won’t be forced out to die in some nasty city Ill never function in without a car. I am going to need a little easy time. I have been here 8 months, and it is taking me apart. Who knows what the future holds.
All of a sudden I have a drastic sense of impossibility, just when I thought we might be ok after all. I am past sick of being pushed around.