The Brigid Polk Detective Agency
Open for business every day at nine,
She'll investigate your motives
Find out who drank all the wine.
And if you ever stumble
Whenever you fall,
The Brigid Polk Detective Agency
Is waiting for your call.
It's unlikely that you'll ever get through -
That line is rarely free.
But if you come a-knocking
Brigid will sit ya on her knee.
She can tell you which silk robe to rock
Which line to can,
Which chord is a bust
And which soup will cause the shit
To hit the art scene fan.
The costs for this service
The rates for this nightly entente
Are rarely discernable,
It is not money she wants.
She has no need of your bottle -
Her stash is bigger than yours...
The Brigid Polk Detective Agency
Wants simply not to be bored.
So get outta here you cowboy angels,
You two bit wanna be ingenues,
You had better scarper all you pretenders
Who want to block up the Louvre!
You can take your Rembrandts out that door;
Your folk singing sensations exit stage right:
The Brigid Polk Detective Agency is
Up for her seventh straight night.
Geniuses only need apply
Anyone with something new to say
May stay the night!
But you better say it quickly,
Or else
Get out of her sight.
But if you are ever lost for words,
If your punk has lost all of it's spunk,
The Brigid Polk Detective Agency
Has got all the edge you could ever want.
"Let's not beat around the bush Gerald, dear
Oh I forgot, you are strictly queer
Billy, have you seen my hat?
Who used it as a basin, forget all that!
It's cold in here who turned off the heat?
My stomach!
My thighs!
Ingrid, soak my feet!
You look tacky....
You're washed up....
Are you listening?
I need to call up...
The Brigid Polk Detective Agency
Open for business every day at nine:
She'll investigate your motives,
Find out who drank all the wine!
The service is free in exchange for a contribution -
A glance, a touch, a scene.
Don't forget our motto is
Be Wierd but never Mean!
Junkies and fairies,
Oh I dare thees -
All grist to our mill.
The Brigid Polk Detective Agency
Is never short of pills.
She'll stick you in the buttocks
Stab you on first sight
The Brigid Polk Detective Agency
Is made of pure white white
Light.
If your party is a lagging...
If your fuel gauge is hovering around
The basement floor,
Never fear, the Brigid Polk
Detective Agency
Always has some more.
If you are searching for a bold bold statement
Of faith in the universe,
You'd better look elsewhere,
But if you need a nurse...
If you are looking for enlightenment
Ginsburg is holding court next door.
But if you are in need of a push
The Brigid Polk Detective Agency
Is a venus in furs.
The boudoir girls are dime a dozen...
I'd rather talk to Andy's dead cat.
For sparkling conversation
You need something more than
A leopard skin panama hat.
Watch that speed freak watch that speed freak
This is a salon not a pig pen, I fear!
And if you are going to insist on going blue
The exit's over there, my dear...
Just a pin prick just a pin prick
Up to the thirteenth floor
Two weeks up, two days straight
Is a recipe for this party going sour.
The Brigid Polk Detective Agency
Has all the answers you require.
Like how many quaaludes set off a shot
And how come Andy's never wired?
The Brigid Polk Detective Agency
Has bugs in the bedrooms of the rich.
She knows all the s and m socialites...
And who has a genital itch.
I'm talking about
Gloria!
I'm talking about
Gloria....
The Brigid Polk Detective Agency
Has everything squared away
The Brigid Polk Detective Agency
Call them today.
