Not

I survived torture which left permanent injuries on my body and soul.

I survived attempts on my life by my husband over years.

I survived years of rapes.

I survived loss.

I survived an abusive adoptive family.

I survived five years of living on the road and in campsites and forests.

I survived heroin.

I don’t see how I am weak, or pathetic, or useless, or fragile, and even if I am judged to be those things, I really don’t see why others think they have the right to call me by those labels, just because they judge me by their fucked up standards and lives which have not been mine.

I survived and I am still me.

So, I don’t enjoy being chased by crackheads down streets with them threatening me and the Boy. That doesn’t make me weak. Anyone who is ok with the lawlessness of San Francisco is mentally ill themselves. You cannot live in this part of town and simply ‘be ok’ with it. It is a warzone.

But I am not weak. I just don’t have a lot of choices because of the actions of the man I married, and because any blood family I used to have who were decent people are long dead.

18 Comments

    1. The Paltry Sum

      Appreciated, lovely. Thinking about you – sorry my life is absolutely falling to pieces out here and just haven’t been able to concentrate on catching up. Yeah, I am not very happy with this narrative being pushed. I have had enough of it … To be honest, this isn’t bearable, Im trying to get into a women’s shelter, but it is only 30 days. I think it is probably time to call it a day, lovely. BIG HUGS. I hope your mouth is feeling better and cats are behaving and well. Thinking of you, sweetheart xx

      1. leendadll

        Please, no apologies for taking care of yourself! I haven’t been reading many posts either.

        Life is okay here. Sending you juju for a better situation to appear!

      2. The Paltry Sum

        Thank you, lovely! Sending you positive thoughts, so glad things are ok. You are in my thoughts! It sounds all so traumatic – teeth problems are just so upsetting.

      3. The Paltry Sum

        I do not miss cleaning litter boxes! I used to use that clumpable stuff that goes blue, so it’s easy to scoop out the nasty, and you dont have to replace that often, but still…

      4. leendadll

        Yeah… I hate it! Plus it’s a big strain on my knees and back.

        I have an automatic box but they’re not very practical with more than 2 cats. I disconnected it and it’s now stored out in the garage… where I think I’m going to need to add a litter box for the kittens.

      5. The Paltry Sum

        Oh gosh! That is a lot of litter boxes to clean! Litter is not cheap either. I used to do mine twice a week with a total change of litter, it is such a pain. My old boy would never use litter he deemed not clean enough to poop and pee in!

      6. leendadll

        Also thought of you while watching Promising Young Woman, which might be one gigantic trigger for you. But I thought you’d enjoy her revenge against men!

    1. The Paltry Sum

      People running the shelter in which I currently live. Thank you Ms. A. It is really causing me great upset. Even if they think I am pathetic, they have no right to say so. Hope things are going well for you. You are still rocking that blog!

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