Busy Days

I woke up early today, made the tea, went to meet with various people that I have to because I am in a shelter. It is not easy, not comfortable, but I do it as best I can. The demands on my attendance are not yet over, and I am flagging. I have not had enough tea, only a banana for breakfast, and I have to go and buy some milk and water. I don’t want to really go out there after the angel-dust-zombie tried to attack us, but we can’t just stay inside scared of our shadows.

I tell myself to put my mask on, go to the meeting and mmm and ahhh in the right places, go get the milk and water and come back.

Some days it isn’t that easy. Some days I get scared. Some days I wonder if today will be the day that a man will finally end me. It isn’t funny. It is not a matter of willpower nor letting go of the past. It is a matter of seeing how dangerous the world is and never being able to unsee it, not ever.

18 thoughts on “Busy Days

  1. Ruth says:

    Years ago, when such a thing was possible, I took a Women’s Studies masters course. Superb teaching, challenging programme, interesting fellow-students. But I came back from one of the early sessions near to tears. It was like opening Pandora’s Box and then realising that you could never again close the lid.

    1. The Paltry Sum says:

      You know me, I’d rather come at life eyes open to the dangers, it feels safer that way, but it gets so tiring. I am so tired of men’s violence and denials and bullshit. Then you have to balance that with your darling son, and the other darling sons of other women who you know are good men…and it is so hard to remain fair and please everyone. I am exhausted.

  2. Wyrd Smythe says:

    Weltschmerz sucks! It’s so hard to find balance and self-harmony in a world with so much ugly, especially when one has in-depth experience with it. There is great beauty to behold, but sometimes seeing it through the pain can be a real challenge. Hang in there!!

      1. Wyrd Smythe says:

        Weirdly, I rather enjoy winter. It’s a nice change of pace, and I crave variety. I’ve spent time up north — used to do a bit of camping and fishing, although a lot of that was across the border in Canada. (I have a buddy who is Mr. Walleye Fisherman. He camps to fish, I fished with him to camp.)

      2. Wyrd Smythe says:

        My dad had a joke about two mosquitos looking at a big fat guy. The one says to the other, “Should we eat him here or take him back to the nest?” The other mosquito answers, “Here! If we take him back to the nest the big guys will get him!”

  3. lawrenceez says:

    It sounds unbearable. I really hope things work out somehow. (I partly understand, as I fled my hometown fearing for my life and have always refused to go back ever).

    1. The Paltry Sum says:

      I am very grateful for the shelter, just some days are harder than others. I really like the people here, they have been ever so kind to me and the Boy…just gets tough sometimes! I am so sorry you had to flee your hometown.Are things better where you are now?

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